Social Media & FBAMM

Divorce in the Age of Social Media

Alternative Theory Of Evolution


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(Excerpt From Facebook Ate My Marriage.  Republished with permission from Hell Bent Press and the Author)

Chapter 10:  Dark Thoughts

(On Evolution and Lying)

It may seem a bit incongruous to insert a chapter on dark thoughts following the revelation that my wife was either a heavily repressed lesbian or bisexual. For that matter, it may seem incongruous to designate a chapter on dark thoughts in a book about divorce at all – the subject matter allows no others. But divorce is an experience that will take you to places you have never been before, dark and savage places.

For example, the question of “Why?” It is one that crops up repeatedly during the divorce process.   I use the word “process” as that was what DeeAnn was constantly saying she was doing during our alleged reconciliation.

The “Why” question may, for you, be: “Why did this marriage end?” Or perhaps you are of the more logical school of thought and ask; “Why did they get married at all?”

My “Why” questions can all be distilled down to the question of “Why evolution?” We are told that there are universal examples of the natural order of monogamy in animals that mate for life. Naturalists, environmentalists and other perpetuators of the great lie of sentient monogamy make documentaries to perpetuate the debilitating lie.

Before digressing further, let me remind my dear readers that Charles Darwin’s “The Origin of Species” was originally embraced by American scholars and theologians as proof of the divine hand of God in creation. This was in no small part because all naturalists’ research was, up till the full implications of Darwin’s work dawned on the American public, viewed as an extension of the proof of the divine’s presence in all the wonders of life.

Now, as lies go, Evolution (as it is articulated by its present day advocates) is based on several premises that are flawed from their conception, the first being that nature selects based upon the fittest. The more cynical authors and apologists of this theory go so far as to use the premise of an “Opportunistic Evolutionary Error” to explain human evolution, describing human evolution as being nature’s true “original sin,” replacing only in small part the original sin described in the story we receive from Genesis.

It is not that I reject Evolution. It is that I reject the major tenants as articulated, because all of them begin with the premise of a comprehensible or rational basis for the events involved. A simple observation of the present-day product refutes all of these premises. Human beings, for example, are not rational beings. If you doubt this, read my mail:

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Lynn,

            My name is Audrey Towbridge, District 3 compliance officer for the Balboa Pines Subdivision Homeowners Association West 1. I wanted to write you a brief note to thank you for addressing the noncompliance of your front lawn with plugs and reseeding. Your assistance with maintaining the Balboa Pines’ standards are much appreciated. I would like to mention that there have been complaints regarding discoloration and signs of infestations in your side and back lawn. Your attention to these is very much appreciated. Residents of our community normally retain services to maintain their sprinkler systems, lawn services and treatment services to address their lawns and maintain them to the standards specified in the association’s charter. Your compliance is very much appreciated.


Audrey Towbridge


This may seem unrelated to the question of evolution. But please bear with me. First, Audrey Towbridge is a retired 75-year-old elementary school teacher who wrote that note to me on her personal stationary in a cursive script that has not been taught in the public schools since I was a child. Second, Mrs. Towbridge – whose first husband was a victim of “justifiable manslaughter” in the state ofMaryland, by his wife – walks by my house with her Shih Tzu, Daisy, who craps on my lawn. Mrs. Towbridge, after offering encouraging comments such as “Good girl” and “Doesn’t that feel much better now?” retrieves the feces in a small plastic bag – but only after evaluating the feces, presumably for content and consistency.

Now, you might ask, “how do you know these things about Audrey Towbridge, District 3 compliance officer of the Balboa Pines Subdivision Home Owners Association West 1?” Fair question. As it regards her first husband, Tom Bechanworth, it is mentioned on her Facebook page. I also invested a dollar fifty to retrieve a news archive from a paper at the time and found that Mr. Tom Bechanworth, a Rotarian, a church deacon and a member of the Odd Fellows, was an insurance actuarial in Baltimore who weighed 130 pounds and did not drink or smoke. His wife, Audrey (who at the time, based on the photo, was a good 50 pounds and a head taller than Tom), claimed the incident was an event of domestic violence. This being 35 years ago, the idea that Tom might be the victim was not conceivable. Then again, had my wife’s lesbian moments been something a 42-year-old woman was involved in during a divorce 35 years ago, it would have gotten her a spot on the daytime talk shows and a book deal. So, times have changed.

As to Daisy’s daily defecation on my lawn, I have observed that from my sunroom while smoking my cigars with aggressive disinterest in both Mrs. Towbridge and her opinion as to my lawn, but with a serious question as to evolution.

In my childhood, I was introduced to evolution through the usual means: school, television and National Geographic magazines. My maternal grandmother had a subscription, and when she found I had an interest in it, she gave me an annual subscription of my own, which I later maintained until I realized they were rerunning the same stories with new pictures and different authors. I was not, and I must stress this, a reader for the occasional editions that presented young half-naked, or fully naked, tribal women engaged in foraging and traditional tribal life. Such thrills were long gone. At age 5, I found those editions on National Geographic in my family physician’s waiting room; ever since then, I associated such pictures with the sounds of hacking coughs and the wheeze of death and disease that surrounded me while waiting there. That, plus the associated memories of compulsory immunization injections, removed all sexual stimulation such pictures might provide. By the time I was 11 there was such a glut of pornography readily available while attending school that only the most sheltered students could conceive of the National Geographic as being an acceptable form of adolescent titillation. What I do remember from reading the magazine, and from watching the documentaries we were obliged to watch when our science teachers wanted to have a free period, were the questions of: Why did our ancestors leave the trees? Why did they walk erect? and How did a tool-making species evolve?

The answer to all of these questions always boiled down to “necessity.” Evolutionary theorists tell us we climbed out of the trees to obtain access to food and other resources. They will tell us we walked erect to observe predators, and they will say we became tool makers due to variability in our brains’ design and to compensate for certain disadvantages. They will even go on to explain the domestication of other animals as being an evolutionary progression, that is, an extension of a largely necessary symbiotic relationship that allowed the expansion of our genetic ancestors into terrains for which they were previously unsuited, either due to lack of resources or by physical defects of design. All of which I must now respond to with the answer “bullshit.”

Our ancestors climbed out of the trees (in which they were previously happily fornicating, feeding and crapping) for one simple and singularly evolutionary reason: BOREDOM! Having explored all the pleasures of a simple life, they took interest in the crapping habits of quadrupeds. Fascinated by what they observed of this phenomenon from their elevated view, they climbed down for a closer look. They stood erect for the purposes of observing the quadruped’s crap and to see them crapping. Then they developed tools so they could make leashes to place on the quadruped. They domesticated the quadruped so that they would not have far to go to observe this phenomenon. This last part being a matter of trial and error, as undoubtedly leashes placed on certain aggressive carnivores resulted in some evolutionary consequences.

So finally, at the present state of human evolution, a 75-year-old homicidal school teacher (who is probably only not killing her present husband, Frank Towbridge, because of the efforts of her dog, Daisy, and my continued noncompliance with her notes) is fascinated with my lawn and her dog’s feces.

That the services that I and this furry little quadruped are rendering will never be fully appreciated by Frank or humanity at large is something I have reconciled myself to. I am simply happy to know that I am doing my part in the greater scheme of evolution.

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Text Copyright 2011 Cusper Lynn

Text Copyright 2011 Hellbent Press

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